User blog:ResonX/Hans' Bizarre Adventure (Moleman's Epic Rap Battles)

''Author's Note: The following is the third of four lyrical crossover fan fiction blogs that I will be posting here, the latter three of which, this being the second of those, comprise the content of this video. The previous very first "part" is its own video which is long-since already publicly released and linked on its respective blog under this same user. All this is also part of a larger series of my making of which the rest is not Frozen-related. Enjoy!''

http://i1200.photobucket.com/albums/bb324/Moleman9000/358747eb-edef-42f6-a772-700b3f43523b_zpsb5eafb58.png

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!

PRINCE HANS…

…VS…

…PRINCE JOFFREY!!!!!

BEGIN!

• Prince Joffrey: •

I've had my share of knocks before, but you're the target of this roast,

So keep your tongue from talking back, or else I'll cut it out your throat.

This ain't Blackwater, yo: from facing thee, you shan't see me deterred,

And no Clegane need be relied on as I Hound you with my words!

You're mine to torment now, like those two whores my midget uncle gave me once;

I'll carve more marks in you than that nut job the Batman saved me from!

Mom says the Game of Thrones is win-or-die, but in your case,

Your failure's brought upon our royal house of scoundrels a disgrace!

Now, here you stand upon this icy shore, and here you're gonna stay:

Amid a frigid land where Winter fell and never went away!

I thus leave you to this exile, although I'd vouched for your beheading,

While I sail back to the Isles in preparation for my wedding.

• Prince Hans: •

Oh, see if I care, you spoiled-rotten bastard sack of waste;

I hope your wedding sees you strangled 'til you're purple in the face!

I swear I'll find my kingdom yet, and then your rancid lot will see,

When I'm upon my rightful throne and finally where I want to be!

…Oh, I'm not fooling anybody; my ambition's out of luck:

My royal assets stripped away, in this backwater land I'm stuck!

Perhaps it's time to be the better man, and give up chasing crowns;

Seek settlement among the natives here, and turn my life aro–*THUD*

(*Bumps into a large sign as he is walking along monologuing this*)

By Anderson, what's this I've stumbled onto; do my eyes deceive?

This sign before me shows a face all-too-familiar, and it reads:

"The Snow Queen raps against the Wicked Witch, tonight at Icecrown Glacier!

Extra challengers are welcome if their coolness level's major."

Ha! My deviousness stirs again, for though it seems contrived,

This unexpected open door has now restored my inner drive!

When I show up, this time I needn't hide what I intend to do,

And so with vengeance on my mind, my kingly quest begins anew!

• Simon Petrikov: •

What time is it? It's time to kick your sorry ass!

You've got an uninvited guest; your one-man-party's getting crashed!

I'm putting out a hit on you, and the assassin is myself;

Wrecking you worse than what this crown has done to my own mental health!

You'll go kablooie like a Mushroom bomb, smote by my wizard wrath;

The Cosmic Owl spoke ill of me, but you're an actual sociopath:

It's true, I never was a paragon of proper princess-treatment,

But you're douchey as my heart, and that's no Holly Jolly Secret!

Call me Evergreen: my rapping skill's in bloom all through the year!

Ice King's no Nice King on the mic; my chilling verses should be feared.

To penguins' Cheers, I'll blast your rear to Where Nobody Knows Your Name,

And leave the role of Elsa's second challenger as mine to claim!

• Hans: •

Yeah, stick to writing your fan fiction, Dr. No-Brains; you're hysteric!

Wouldn't be shocked to hear that Marceline came up with all your lyrics!

Still, to take on Elsa, I'll need all the help that I can get,

So join me on my journey, Simon, and we'll make a mean duet!

Simon: Well, my track record facing humans is a far cry from sublime,

And my lucid resolve to fight you's slipping anyway, so fine!

Hans: Excelsior! Between the two of us, she hasn't got a chance;

Perhaps I'll spare her after all and leave her for you to romance!

• Victor Fries: •

Cool story, bros, but that's Cold Comfort, 'cause I'm out my Arkham cell,

And here to put you both in Deep Freeze; make your lives a living Hell!

My body temperature's SubZero, but I'm in a rapping fever,

Trashing faux-humanitarians and hyper-bearded geezers!

When it comes to tragic villainy, my very name's a synonym.

No Schwarzenegger antics here; I'll keep puns to a minimum.

Your flows are more disjointed than my casting in the sixties,

And I'll shatter you like dino bones; undo your efforts swiftly.

I'll adapt to any licks I take, and school you night or day;

Even maintaining threat reduced to just a head on spider-legs!

Let there be no doubt in your minds: cross my Cold, Cold Heart of Ice,

And like that wack Walt Disney wannabe, you'll dearly pay the price!

• Hans: •

Now, what would Nora think of this aggression? We should get along;

Like your depiction on The Batman, Victor, you've got us all wrong!

Simon: Plus, you and I are kindred spirits, man!

Hans: Come join us on our quest,

To conquer Elsa's crown!

Simon: …And prove which cryomancers are the best!

Fries: Oh, why not? I've little else to do with my pathetic life;

Let's mess her up worse than a Lazarus Pit bathing for my wife!

Hans: A grand proposal, Mr. Fries! Now carry onwards as we sing;

Let us delay no further time, for I just can't wait to be king!

• Aslan: •

Put 'em up! It isn't safe or good if you would try to fight this;

Aslan isn't a tame lion, nor a coward in the slightest!

You're Ridiculous as Rabadash: jackassery aplenty;

Know your train's about to crash, and you won't wake up in my Country!

When I sing a song, entire worlds are prone to taking shape;

My words are deeper than the magic from before the dawn of time!

Simon here smells like Tash, and Hans is Shiftier than any ape;

Same as that sodding skeptic Susan, you three ain't no friends of mine!

I'm putting down my foot like Dufflepuds: at your weak rhymes, I scoff;

I'll send you flying across the sea and let my dad finish you off!

It's your Last Battle if you'd step to me; surrender while you can,

Or I'll slay you as I shall she whose endless Winter plagues this land!

• Simon: •

You've got some nerve, dude!

Fries: For all you know, we're just out on a stroll!

Hans: With due respect, your furry majesty, we share a common goal;

I'm fairly certain who this "she" is, and we're out to get her too:

'Twould be an honor if our quest could be accompanied by you.

Aslan: From royalty down to the humble mouse, I see the good rewarded,

As you'll be as well if you indeed help see this menace thwarted.

Hans: So it's settled, then! The King of Beasts will join in our adventure,

And we four shall stand assembled like the ice witch-slaying Avengers!

To be continued...

WHO WON? Hans Prince Joffrey Simon Petrikov Victor Fries Aslan Everyone and/or No one