User blog:ResonX/Hans Vs. Gaston: The Epic Rap Battle (Moleman's Epic Rap Battles)

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MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!

PRINCE HANS…

…VS…

…GASTON!!!!!!!!!!

BEGIN!

• Gaston: •

Bonjour, asshole! You wanna duke it out with this?

Dan Plainview drinks milkshakes, and I finish your sandwiches!

Burst in, kick your ass, and plant that true love's French kiss;

People love to hate me; you just plain get folks pissed!

There's Norway you can win; no one raps like Gaston!

I'll send you falling to your death; happy trails, Hans!

Yeah, I failed to kill Beast, but I can topple you, at least;

Drive you mad and have you locked away like Crazy Old Maurice!

Got that operatic voice, bass–baritone range,

Just like my great–uncle Brom; you're more like Ichabod Crane!

And Frozen hasn't even been out for a single year yet;

You can't make a good rap battle with a man you've just met!

I'll cement it as a trend to punch you squarely in the face,

Invite all your brothers here, and have you finish fourteenth place.

LeFou: You tell 'em, boss!

Gaston: It's true, LeFou: I'm the best at what I do.

Now, if only there was someone out there who loved...

Soulja Boy: ...YOOOOOOUUUUU!!!

LeFou: (spoken) Wow, what a pathetic loser... totally unlike you, boss.

(*Laughing*)

• Prince Hans: •

Mr. Potts, I trust you'll pardon the harsh words of this kettle,

As they'll leave you like a wilted rose, bereft of every petal.

I've come full of surprises for this pea–brained gorilla;

This royal Foreigner's Cold as Ice, but far from Vanilla.

When I play the game of thrones, I keep it subtly poetic,

But when I'm on the mic, I spit pyrokinetics.

Better add a few more cartons to your daily egg regimen:

I've seen snowmen measuring as more intimidating specimens.

My Frozen Heart's an open door of which you should beware,

And these sideburns alone are manlier than your rats' nest chest of hair!

Be my guest: call up a lynch mob on me. I'm not scared;

Your posse lost to a militia of furniture and kitchenware!

I'm ambitious, you're petty; All your boasting doesn't phase me,

Nor would getting my hands messy here: in fact I love crazy,

And when I see your head mounted on your own trophy wall,

This rapping monarch will have finally found his kingdom after all.

• Gaston: •

You scrawny little prick! You've tangled with the wrong man,

And now it's gonna get real!

LeFou: I'll strike up the band!

Gaston: You're living proof of Disney princes getting cheaper by the dozen;

But you couldn't even beat Groose, my dimwit elven half–cousin.

Like a hairless, clawless Scar, you're clearly envious of my pride,

But you'll be shattered like the mirror you're based on when our blows collide!

I've got muscles, man! Like Casey, I'm a superstar slugger,

And when I'm done with you, you're gonna be a major fixer–upper!

I'm the classic evil suitor; you're better off ignored,

So saddle up on your pony and haul it back to the fjord!

• Hans: •

Your strongest suit is rejection; should've settled for those Bimbettes!

I, on the other hand, can actually woo a princess;

A devious chameleon, effortlessly blending in.

No one ever sees me coming; like a sober Mandarin!

Ripping holes into the hull of the barge that is your ego!

Go ask Anna how I ruin ships: my words are like torpedoes,

So go hang with your pal Frollo at the nearest Taco Bell;

I've got an exile to attend to – be seeing you in Hell!

(*Slams door and leaves*)

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

I DECIDE!!!!!!!

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!

Who Won? Gaston Prince Hans