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MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!
• Gaston: •
Bonjour, asshole! You wanna duke it out with this?
Dan Plainview drinks milkshakes, and I finish your sandwiches!
Burst in, kick your ass, and plant that true love's French kiss;
People love to hate me; you just plain get folks pissed!
There's Norway you can win; no one raps like Gaston!
I'll send you falling to your death; happy trails, Hans!
Yeah, I failed to kill Beast, but I can topple you, at least;
Drive you mad and have you locked away like Crazy Old Maurice!
Got that operatic voice, bass–baritone range,
Just like my great–uncle Brom; you're more like Ichabod Crane!
And Frozen hasn't even been out for a single year yet;
You can't make a good rap battle with a man you've just met!
I'll cement it as a trend to punch you squarely in the face,
Invite all your brothers here, and have you finish fourteenth place.
LeFou: You tell 'em, boss!
Gaston: It's true, LeFou: I'm the best at what I do.
Now, if only there was someone out there who loved...
Soulja Boy: ...YOOOOOOUUUUU!!!
LeFou: (spoken) Wow, what a pathetic loser... totally unlike you, boss.
• Prince Hans: •
Mr. Potts, I trust you'll pardon the harsh words of this kettle,
As they'll leave you like a wilted rose, bereft of every petal.
I've come full of surprises for this pea–brained gorilla;
This royal Foreigner's Cold as Ice, but far from Vanilla.
When I play the game of thrones, I keep it subtly poetic,
But when I'm on the mic, I spit pyrokinetics.
Better add a few more cartons to your daily egg regimen:
I've seen snowmen measuring as more intimidating specimens.
And these sideburns alone are manlier than your rats' nest chest of hair!
Be my guest: call up a lynch mob on me. I'm not scared;
Your posse lost to a militia of furniture and kitchenware!
I'm ambitious, you're petty; All your boasting doesn't phase me,
Nor would getting my hands messy here: in fact I love crazy,
And when I see your head mounted on your own trophy wall,
This rapping monarch will have finally found his kingdom after all.
• Gaston: •
You scrawny little prick! You've tangled with the wrong man,
And now it's gonna get real!
LeFou: I'll strike up the band!
Gaston: You're living proof of Disney princes getting cheaper by the dozen;
But you couldn't even beat Groose, my dimwit elven half–cousin.
Like a hairless, clawless Scar, you're clearly envious of my pride,
But you'll be shattered like the mirror you're based on when our blows collide!
I've got muscles, man! Like Casey, I'm a superstar slugger,
And when I'm done with you, you're gonna be a major fixer–upper!
I'm the classic evil suitor; you're better off ignored,
So saddle up on your pony and haul it back to the fjord!
• Hans: •
Your strongest suit is rejection; should've settled for those Bimbettes!
I, on the other hand, can actually woo a princess;
A devious chameleon, effortlessly blending in.
No one ever sees me coming; like a sober Mandarin!
Ripping holes into the hull of the barge that is your ego!
Go ask Anna how I ruin ships: my words are like torpedoes,
So go hang with your pal Frollo at the nearest Taco Bell;
I've got an exile to attend to – be seeing you in Hell!
(*Slams door and leaves*)
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!