Author's Note: The following is the final of four lyrical blogs of mine, the latter three of which, this being the third and, again, last, of those, have now been incorporated into this video. The previous very first "part" is its own video which is long-since already publicly released and linked on its respective blog under this same user. All this is also part of a larger series of my making of which the rest is not Frozen-related. Enjoy!
(*LOUD, ECHOING CRASH*)
I have had it with these soft, show off-ing, sentimental pricks!
Just crawl up onto my Stone Table now; I swear I'll make it quick!
If it's a war with me you want, then that precisely I shall grant:
I'd let you ask my sister 'bout the verbal bombs I drop, but can't!
I'm like Gnorga: make a statue of even a slight snitch,
So get stoked for a fight, bitches; you've woken the White Witch!
Lyrics delightful as the lokum I'll make any sucker crave;
You phonies think yourselves magicians? You're unfit to be my slaves!
I'll turn this place into a Charnel house before this battle's over;
I'm the North's true wicked one: not that Green Kirtle-wearing poser!
Bite into you like a silver apple from the Tree of Youth;
Jinn-Giant Jadis Ettins-more than dwarfs you munchkins, it's the truth!
I've got a loyal force of ghastly ghouls to massacre your butts;
You've but a snowman, and your chanting fools secretly hate your guts!
My wolf police will make a meal of anyone they find suspicious,
But I need no help to stamp you out as hard as I did Christmas!
(*Is suddenly shot in the head and face repeatedly and well beyond the point of death in spectacularly gruesome fashion*)
• Aslan: •
(*Puts away dual-wielded fully-automatic sniper rifles*)
Well, aren't you quick at putting two and two together?
Either way, the deed is done: the witch's Winter curse is severed.
Here, I'd thought you three would have to help me out there, but whatever;
I doubt anyone will be complaining, least of all the weather.
(*The harshly frigid Winter air dominating the surrounding environment begins to subside as long-overdue Spring starts kicking in*)
• Hans: •
Well, this is awkward.
Fries: This does not accord to plan.
Simon: What happens next?
Aslan: The sorceress is slain, my children; what's it now that has you vexed?
Hans: It's Elsa here with whom we travelled all this way to pick a bone!
Fries: We want to kick her ass!
Simon: …And tap it, maybe.
Hans: I just want her throne!
Aslan: That's battery, rape and takeover, dudes: all crimes, and highly grievous!
Hans: We don't really care!
Aslan: Yeah, well I do; I'm literally Jesus!
Fries: Look, I'll freeze you, man.
Aslan: I'd like to see you try, you wretched speck!
Simon: Can't we just talk this out?
• Elsa: •
I'm thinking not, so let me interject:
Don't bother making up excuses, Hans: your ill-intent is plain;
I should have ended you when I'd the chance before, you royal pain,
And as for you two rimy rejects who would help him to his goal,
You better scram before this Queen of Frozen Hearts sees noggins roll!
It's time to let you go for good; leave you beyond all fixing-up!
Hans: No, wait!
Elphaba: Don't look at me! Why am I even saying this line?
What is this sacrilege I wake to with the thawing of Winter's spell?
Your quarreling profanes the future site of my crown-citadel!
For this trespass upon unholy ground as from my sleep I rise,
My first official act as king shall be extinguishing your lives!
I'm fully-rested-up and back again to launch my grand regime,
Impaling you just like my orc-and-child-selves within my dreams!
The Scourge Invasion is upon thee; best believe you should be scared,
And though I hate to quote that elven pansy: you are not prepared!
I'm not that baby of a Lich that Simon knows; you better kneel.
This ain't the Wrathgate; no diss you can plague me with will make me yield!
Arthas: …And I'm heartless!
Arthas: Watch me raise every carcass; lead armies of darkness!
• Elphaba: •
In all my life and times, I've never met a foe so brutal!
Simon: I can sense it with my Wizard Eyes: his claims of strength are truthful!
Fries: Yo, messiah-lion, stop him!
Aslan: I fear trying would be in vain,
For I've not felt so overpowered since the height of Telmar reign!
• Arthas: •
The words of Yogg-Saron have nothing on the madness mine incite,
And no gunship is on its way to let you flee this hopeless fight.
A god before the mighty Vrykul, whence the lowly man descends;
Frostmourne doth hunger for your souls, and by its blade your flesh will rend!
• Elsa: •
Now, just you listen, Mr. Hero-to-Sub-Zero: you're no match for me;
Bring ice instead of ash, but still I'll shatter your phylactery!
Your necromantic quackeries don't frighten me one bit;
Like good ol' Bolvar and his fiery will, to you I shan't submit!
• Arthas: •
To vanquish me, you think your prestidigitation satisfactory?
I've seen more heedfulness from Leeroy Jenkins in the hatchery!
Now feel my fury: no deus ex machina will save,
When I release my Wrath in full and send you to your final graves!
…Look at that…
…I've been impaled.
(*SLICE, RIP, THRUST, TEAR*)
• Hans: •
Well, well, well, look at this:
It would appear that I've just saved all your lives, and right in the nick of time!
Now, would anyone here know what that makes me?
Ganon: A big damn hero, sir!
Hans: Indeed, the pig-faced harbinger of death speaks the truth!
As for you, Elsa, and now that I'm finally in a position to be formally demanding this:
Either become my queen consort, surrender your regency of Arendelle to me, or die; the choice is yours.
Elsa: …Hans, you magnificent bastard! I wil–
??????: Hey! Hey, you guys! Over here!
Hans: …What the… Uncle Tyrion?! How in the world did you–
• Tyrion Lannister: •
There's no time to explain; we need to hurry!
…Uh, did you not hear what the spirit of Arthas' father just said?
Hans: No, no I didn't; I was too distracted by my glorious moment of villainous triumph, and I'm pretty sure Moleman was, too.
Announcer: GUILTY AS CHARGED!
Tyrion: …Oh… Well, long story short, someone has to put on this helm and become the new Lich King, and fast, or else we'll be in store for a zombie apocalypse so massive that even Rick Grimes, Frank West, Tank Dempsey, Jill Valentine, Ash Williams and Bill Overbeck would all be like, "AW, HELL NAW!"
Hans: Well, it's going to have to wait as far as I'm concerned, because nothing is going to spoil the victory I have worked so lo…
…Wait, did you just say there's a king status up for grabs?
Tyrion: Well, if you want to put it that way, then yes! Whoever wears this helmet will be bestowed with the unimaginable burden of powers so–
• Hans: •
(*Grabs Helm of Domination from Tyrion*)
Elsa, scratch that ultimatum and consider yourself very, very fortunate.
Elsa: …What? You can't seriously expect me to just forgive and forget after all you've done to me just because of some contrived convenience that's let you have your way at someone else's expense!
Hans: I can, and I do.
…Just think of it this way…
…You could say that my advice for you here is to…
(*Puts on Helm of Domination*)
…Let It Go.
(Meet the new boss…)
(…Same as the old boss…)
MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!!!!!!!!!! (SEASON 3!)